We met with our doula on Monday night for a little refresher course……and things are suddenly starting to feel very real.
We mostly talked about my fears, my longings, my desires, and things I want to do differently with this birth. She reminded me that I need to leave my feelings about MG’s birth with her birth and not carry them into this birth. Different child, different pregnancy, different birth. It is so obvious, but a lesson I am sure I will be learning many times over.
Many have asked me if I am considering a natural birth for this baby. My simple answer to that is “yes”. But this time I think it looks just a little different.
Last time it was all about proving myself. To others, to my doctor, to my baby, and (mostly) to myself that I could do it. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I sure knew what I wanted.
But let’s just say “I’ve been there, done that” and don’t really care about winning the award anymore. This time it is more about the experience.
(have you ever seen a baby being carried so high? I can’t even wear maternity pants because they won’t stay up. I have to buy regular pants a few sizes too big so they will button around my lower what’s-left-of-my- waist)
I’m sure there is a book somewhere out there about this, but I definitely see myself as having a sensationalist type of personality. In all experiences, from ordinary to uncommon, I seek to get the most out of them I possibly can. For example, I rarely eat a meal that I walk away from disappointed. Simply because it is so important to me, I make sure to add in things (or get dessert :)) so that in the end I am satisfied; if only because I can say, “well that was an enjoyable experience”. When I run errands, I try to think of a newer, prettier route to take that will make the routine trip more enjoyable. And I don’t just clean my house, I add in my favorite playlist + cleaning products that smell amazing + maybe a new tip or technique to try.
I often find myself manipulating experiences to make them tangible, fulfilling, and ultimately satisfactory.
Maybe that was the reason I considered a natural birth in the first place. I want to sense all of it. I want to feel my body working as it was designed. I want to feel all of the mamas who have gone before me and done exactly what I am doing to be whispering in my ear, “you can do this! You were made for this moment!” I want to have an experience that satisfies all of my senses.
I’ve picked out Scriptures I want read during the transitional stage. I’m working on a playlist that reminds me of this pregnancy. I want the smells and feelings and emotions in the room to always stick with me. Yes, the pain is a part of it, but at the end of the day, I want to wring every last drop out of it and know that I experienced it all.
You only get to do this a set number of times in your life, afterall, and I want to walk away with (as much as it is in my control) no regrets.
*That is my deepest desire, but I do know that birthing is just another part of life that as much as you can plan, you cannot control. So we will plan for what we want and take what we get. And hopefully, we will all walk away from this experience wiser, stronger, and better people for it*
P.S. I wrote this post mostly to explain why I want a natural birth and to show how it aligns with my god-given inclinations and personality. But in no way do I condone others for choosing different methods or for wanting a different experience. One thing I think we can all agree on: no matter the method of arrival, every single birth is a beautiful and miraculous experience that requires the greatest amount of strength , beauty, and love to come to fulfillment. XO