The other night I looked at N and said, “Wow, what did we do before these two?” Our former life is growing dimmer in the memory. Our current grows richer.
Life with two is definitely complex. It has challenged me in nearly every aspect of my life: physically, spiritually, emotionally, I could go on and on. There isn’t much room for me to be selfish right now and that has sharpened me.
And while I knew it would be demanding, especially physically, I underestimated how mentally challenging it would be. Just planning a simple outing requires mental prep the night before: thinking through what needs to be packed, coordinating times to wake up, understanding Bea’s feeding schedule and precisely how it will effect our time away. And then even more effort the morning of to carry it out. This means I’ve had to say ‘no’ in the past 7 weeks a lot more than I normally do. As much as I’d like to think that we are pretty flexible and adventurous, it doesn’t take much to throw a wrench in the plans.
Because it feels like my hands are almost constantly FULL, I almost always have a running list in my head of what to do should a minute or two be spared in the day. Wash hair, throw the sheets in the dryer, sweep the floor, scrapbook, water the plants,…there is always something to fill in the gap when my hands unexpectedly find themselves empty.
But it’s not all challenging.
One thing that has made this go around a lot easier is having a built in entertainment system. MG keeps both Bea and I busy. Whereas I remember when MG was just a babe finding myself quickly running out of ideas to keep us both from being constantly on the verge of boredom.
Each girl has their own personality and set of demands. Where one is easier, the other is harder. It is a constant ebb and flow that keeps you from having a favorite or resenting a challenger.
And with every challenge met comes great rewards. Watching the girls’ relationship develop has reminded me of this. It won’t be long before they are fast friends and I will just be a bystander cheering them on from the sidelines.
But right now I am in the thick of it. I am fetching pacis, snapping the tiniest of snaps, searching under beds for lost lovies, up to my ears in a constant cycle of laundry, keeping everyone’s tummy above empty, and answering the same question over and over and over.
And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved. II Corinthians 12:15
I know I’m not the only mom out there that is feels like I am spending EVERYTHING to raise and grow these children. It means I’ve given up my dream house, my perfect system of organization, my ideal body, my manicured hair and nails, my less-complicated marriage, my closet full of clothes that AREN’T childproof, my quiet days at the pool with a good book, my effortless vacations, my fulfilling career, EVERYTHING to mother.
And maybe someday some of those things will find their way back to me when I have more time and energy to devote to them. But for now, I spend myself for these precious little souls.