They do not fear bad news. They confidently trust the LORD to care for them.
Upon our first night home from vacation, I finally received the envelope in the mail promising strength, hope and encouragement from my friend. I thought it was odd that it came at a time when we felt more hopeful and encouraged than ever, but thought “Maybe it’s going to say something about the pregnancy that God didn’t want us to know yet.”
It didn’t. Or at least not that I could see yet. Among a packet of several notes, all in different styles of hand writing, there were many beautiful words. All things about my personality or giftings that were particularly unique to me that I felt as though could only be from God. Oh, and one little line saying, “Just a little while longer.” I thought that sentiment was odd, but quickly moved on and read and reread the lines on the pages, taking the words to heart.
The next morning, I wanted to go right away to have my blood drawn. I woke up early and had a funny desire to take one more pregnancy test. I wanted to see it turn extra-dark and use it for celebratory pictures later that evening. Except, it didn’t turn extra dark. In fact, it was very faint. It momentarily caught me off guard but I figured the test wasn’t extra-sensitive and it was still very early into the pregnancy.
But as the morning turned into the afternoon, I began to stew about it. I was very jangled by the time they finally called me for my results and deep down, I prepared myself for the worst.
It was the doctor who called and he sounded puzzled. “Well, your blood work came back at a 12. Which is a little low. I’d like you to repeat the test in 2-3 days and see what happens then.”
I was devastated. N didn’t understand the number right away, but I’d already done enough research to know that it was low enough to be of concern. I also knew that my first number, albeit taken a few days earlier, with MG had been 18. So while I mourned, I still held on to a little, tiny amount of hope that something good would come out of it. Holding onto hope amidst disappointment. That seemed to be the grand theme of our summer: we felt we were constantly wavering in the middle of trying to decide whether to hold onto hope or to cut ties and mourn our losses. Neither option seemed clear and both were at odds in our hearts.
Why God? Why have us wait 7 months to fill us with hope only to disappoint us again?
Two days later I went in for more testing. I prayed for clear answers so that I would know what to feel. But once again I was deluded.
The levels had risen, but only to 18. The nurse remained ambivalent, and I felt confused and frustrated over the results. Not enough to give me hope, and yet, was it too early to mourn the loss?
The following day, I did some further research, and the Internet told me this would either end in miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. At that point I faithfully mourned the loss and prayed it would end sooner rather than later.
It was Friday before I went in again and the number had finally begun to drop. Later that day, the physical miscarriage began.
At that point, I felt myself begin to spiral. Too many disappointments had hit us this summer: the recent and tragic loss of a family member, relationship strains, first the anticipation and then disappointment of not moving, and N had been given continual discouraging news about his job hunt that can best be summed up with, “we love you, but you’re too young.” I sought out our family, friends and our small group for prayer. This time, we would not suffer alone. This time would be different.
God faithfully pulled me out of the pit by the end of the next week. He used direct Bible verses, sermons, and of course the prayers of many others to buoy us. Never in my life had I looked forward so much to going to church or to my daily Bible reading. C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our joy and shouts to us in our pain.” It was through those things that I felt God shouting to us: He loved us, He cared about us, He had not forgotten us.
In fact, that week, I would hear God shouting that exact encouragement to us.
To be continued…..