Before I pick up our story where I left off, I want to briefly mention some other things that began happening in our lives around the time of our first infertility appointment. Without going into very specific detail, N felt called to pursue the next step in his career that he had spent many years in school training and working for. The timing felt better than ever and he was led on a series of job interviews that can only be attributed to Divine intervention (being called to interview for jobs he never applied for, scoring once-in-a-lifetime interviews through old connections, interviewing for jobs that he quite literally wrote the job description for, etc.). Each interview became better and better with him going higher and higher up in the interview chain and with each job possibility sounding more and more Divine. This agonizing journey started at the beginning of May and ran through the end of August when we finally came to a peaceful understanding that it just wasn’t going to happen right now. Maybe next year, but not right now.
Curiously enough, his search for a job that left him feeling deflated and frustrated greatly mimicked my journey as an infertile. The same thoughts that plagued me about my abilities as a wife, woman, and mother plagued him as a husband, man, and father. But in no way did he let his discouragement in his situation isolate me in mine. In fact, many times throughout the summer, he would say to me, “I would trade everything: my dream job, our dream house, everything for another baby.” I do have to say, the timing, while it sucked to have so many disappointing things happening at once, was a great bonding experience for us both. We shared in each others’ pain and frustration in ways I’m sure wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t both have to experience it so deeply.
During that summer, I also began the exciting hunt that would prove to be another disappointment for our next house…as some of the job possibilities would take us a little farther away from our current location. Coupled with this disappointment was also the hopeful, “well maybe God didn’t allow us to be pregnant yet because we will be starting a new job and possibly moving this fall.” adage that we hoped would be the case to help ease the pain and misunderstanding of why we were suffering through infertility. Instead we were only left with more question marks.
We also felt the unwanted flexing and pulling of some relationships that we held dear, and we lost a family member in a tragic situation. In each of these scenarios, plus the infertility and job hunt, we were lead on a constant quest of excitement, followed by hope, then uncertainty, then more hope, then ultimate loss. At times the constant up and down of emotions felt unbearable and we often wondered why we were not given plain, straight, “yes’s” or “no’s”. It seemed as though we lived in a constant state of confusion. Confusion about our situation, about the hope we were given, about our future, and ultimately about what we even should be feeling.
The disappointment, sadness, and discouragement was profound and touched nearly all areas of our lives. The summer of 2012 will forever be labeled as the Summer of Disappointment.
Meanwhile, middle of June I began my first cycle on the game plan. When my OPKs turned positive, I nervously went in for my initial ultrasound. I prayed, prayed, prayed for healthy follicles and my prayers were answered. One on the left and one on the right (twins??).
Next I went in for my HCG shot. The nurse asked me if I was okay with shots. Sure!….wait…I think so? I realized that it had actually been quite a while since I had received a shot, and quickly realized when she asked me to bend over and take all of the weight off of my left hip that I was getting more than I had bargained for. Ooowww.
It was during this time that a friend from college posted the following on her blog (and I hope she forgives me for copying word for word, but I won’t link to it to protect her anonymity, in case she wants it :):
I don’t know if I’ve shared it much on here but the gifts of the Spirit, including prophecy had been something that has been a part of my Christian, and everyday life experience for a while now. At our church when someone wants a prayer, it is normal if someone has a “word” for that person. It isn’t spooky or weird. It is ALWAYS encouraging and can be backed up by the Word of God. It is not fortune telling.
Many people aren’t exposed to this much, so I thought: how cool would it be if someone emailed me their mailing address. After a week or so, you can receive back some verses or encouraging words that I and a few select friends felt were for you.
What is the worst that could happen? You don’t agree with what was sent back, you could just throw it away 🙂
With every person who sends me their address, I will have two select friends WHO DO NOT KNOW YOU pray and ask God to receive something on your behalf. Here is what the Bible says about prophecy:
“But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort.”
Nothing should come from this fun little exercise other than STRENGTHENING, ENCOURAGEMENT, and COMFORT.”
And I thought, she’s right. What have I to lose? And I could really use some strengthening, encouragement and comfort right about now. So I wrote to her.
Three days later I started the progesterone.
to be continued…….