If you decide to sell your house,
Maybe you will have to mourn a little before you can go on to experience the wonderful things in your new life to come. Much like welcoming a new child into your family, you will recognizance it as a parallel experience to your second pregnancy. The wait, the exciting promise of fulfillment, the morning sickness, the mourning period, the labor pains, the beautiful birth and the promise of new life.
Much like it did in your second pregnancy, the grief at the end will surprise you. You know that something wonderful is coming but that something is new and unknown. And it will be hard to imagine because you realize in order to get it, you will have to give up something in its place. Something that is already beautiful and wonderful on its own.
Perhaps you will go through a period of great excitement. You will envision all of your shiny things perfectly positioned in your new house. They will be arranged to your liking. You will begin packing boxes with care and imagine where the contents will be at rest.
You will uncover treasures. You will find forgotten pictures, receipts, letters. They will have been placed there from an earlier time, perhaps so that you would discover them in this moment and say, “I remember”. “I remember the life we had here in all its fullness, it was wonderful.” You will think about the secrets this house holds and you will reminisce and cry and smile.
Maybe you will go through a period of regret. It comes somewhere in between the first packed box and the moving of your bed. You will question everything about this decision and wonder why you put yourself through this. “Isn’t this house good enough?” you will ask yourself. And it will smile back at you all clean and spacious and empty and it will be.
You will put on a brave face for your family because you hope they don’t feel the same way. The last thing you need is to be the cause of a mutiny. But eventually it will come out. All gushing out. And they won’t feel the same way, at least not now, and they will talk you off the ledge and into the good days to come. You will feel better. You will come to the realization that a very important part of your life has been lived there. One you will go back to often in your mind. You smile when you think of the sweetness that he been shared there and you will wonder what it will be like to live in a place that has no memories.
Maybe then you will walk through your house and look around at its nakedness. You will be sad that it is no longer full of your things though it still holds so much of your memory. You will walk to the nursery and think about how many times that path has been walked before and be sad that you will never be able to do it again no matter how much you may want to for the sake of reliving. Your girls will never sleep again in this room you so carefully decorated for them. You will not get to sit quietly and rock in it on their first day of kindergarten when all you want to do is go back to the day you brought them home form the hospital. There is some pain in that stinging but you will work through it. You will just keep packing boxes and you will probably save that room for last so that it will stay with you the longest.
You will look at the picture in your frames of the candid smiles and you will feel heavy in your heart. You will ask yourself, “will I ever feel this happy again?” Which is funny because you are actually really sad.
Perhaps you will wonder if you took enough pictures and recorded enough video. Because you feel that someday, after the dust has settled, you may want to temporarily return here and you don’t know if that will be entirely possible.
For a while your new house won’t feel like home. You will continue to forget where you put the oregano and the vanilla. When you fill in your address you won’t be able to remember your new zip code. When the hot water doesn’t’ work, you will have a wistful longing for your old house.
You will be sad because you will be half here and half there and fully no where. Your new house, though lovely and great, will lack this and that from your old house. At first you will miss those things. You will miss them badly before you realize you’ve forgotten about them and come to love this and that about your new house. At that time, you will be able to look back on your old house with a fondness. A soft sigh, a quietness on your heart that reminds you of a sweet life that was once lived there. In that moment, you will realized you have moved forward.
Though you haven’t fully understood it, your life will go on to greater things. The place you call home will not be left behind. It will carry on with you to erupt with more joy and love than you an ever imagine.
But should you ever decide to sell your house, you may feel this way.
Maybe you will, or maybe it’s just me.
I just thought maybe you should know,