Welcome to my new blog! I’ve made some exciting (for me) changes as of late. The address is still the same (sweetmamak.com) but if you have my website bookmarked, you’ll probably need to re-do that with this address.
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Life lately has been, well, hard to describe.
(disclaimer: I’m going to attempt to honestly lay out my current feelings below. No need to be concerned. Just want to share in case others can relate)
Things have been hard. It has felt like work. There has been a cycle of good news and bad news that we just can’t seem to escape from (or has life always like this? Sometimes I wonder if the mellow life I remember prior to becoming a mom actually existed.) Good news for our family immediately preceded by bad news for our friends. Excellent news for our friends immediately followed by a crushing blow for us.
There has been a lot of rejoicing amidst mourning.
I’ve been scared a lot lately this year. Like sick to my stomach, heavy cloak around me, scared.
There’s a special kind of fear that surrounds your children being sick. I’ve become well-acquainted with that fear this year.
I’ve caught myself holding my breath, anxious for this week to be over, that news to be delivered, those situations to resolve. And just when I exhale, it seems, a new sucker punch leaves me once again breathless.
I feel very unsettled. Despite the work we’ve accomplished on the house, there is something about living amongst “projects” that messes with your psyche. It is hard to find rest in something that constantly screaming you, “paint me! decorate me! finish me!”
My heart has been pushed closer to Heaven’s presence. While I once looked around at the life I had amassed on earth and thought, “I am really going to miss this someday!”. Now I find myself aching for the day when I no longer have to fear a stomach bug, when I won’t sleep restlessly over the fear of the unknown, where all of our relationships will be completely restored and we will never miss another’s presence.
As the days grow shorter and the cold seeps in, I dread the darkness. The time change always comes unexpectedly and leaves me reeling for a bit. The trees and bushes look sad and shameful; their former glory amassed in piles around their feet.
Winter always carries a foreboding and melancholy feeling for me. Will it be bitter and sick and long? Will it close in on us and imprison us in our homes? Will we crawl out from hibernation in April starved, blinking, and weary?
Today I found myself falling into a dark cycle after yet another round of illness. I rallied my instincts and took the girls outside for an hour of play when the sun was still bright. MG drew suns and skies with smiley faces. I gulped the oxygen that had just a hint of winter in it and I’m going to try to make it last until April.
And if it doesn’t? Well you know where to find me.