It’s not my typical lane to discuss my family planning with…well the entire Internet.  But as was my original preference anyway, it is only friends and family who read this and they are probably sick of my personal rhetoric on this subject by now.  Plus, when I turned the pages of this blog into the physical pages of a book, I realized how much I enjoyed reading my current feelings on topics weighing on me throughout the years.  So onward we tread…

I love my babies.  I love them especially when they are babies, when the love is unconditional and easy because they aren’t defiant and constantly need answers from you.

I loved MG instantly because she was the first.  We went through the change of the newness of pregnancy and motherhood together.  The love was a powerful elixir because it was so novel.

I loved Bea because we waited so long for her, and then she was perfect.  The sister friendship we hoped for, healthy and beautiful.  An easy, angel baby.

The love for Sibs came slow and steady, It was like a gradual flight of stairs, one step love, one step fear.  I think a had a premonition something scary was going to happen to her; I just didnt know if it was going to come when I was still pregnant, during her birth, or after she was born.  Thankfully those tremor causing fears have subsided and we have a very sweet and healthy relationship in the wake.

But what next?  More than ever, I find myself ready for the next phase. And while I love this sweet sugar baby, I am also excited for her to get older and be able to finally link arms with the sisterhood. It has been difficult to walk the line between three, separate phases: school-aged, pre-schooler, and infant.  Doing both school-aged and infant has been the most wearing from simply the schedule.  A lot of people have told me their third child never consistently napped because they were always been dragged around to older siblings’ recitals, practices, and car line drop-offs.  And now I totally get it.

Most days I feel like I am trying to decide who’s schedule can afford the most trimming from, and to be honest, most days it’s Bea’s.  (I know, I know, insert middle child joke here).  It seems like she has the least to lose these days so she is often the one who loses out.

I was spending some time reflecting this week and I found myself getting sad because I have not taken Bea to a play date, a park, or a story time in weeks.  One main reason is because all of those things seem to fall during Sibs’s morning nap (which is becoming her most consistent nap) and the other reason being that it just feels weird to do something like that without MG (and I think both she{Bea} and I feel that way).  (striving to rectify that immediately)

So where does that leave our little five person family?  Where do all the tallies fall in the pro-fourth, con-fourth scribbled up, scrap paper?  I think my heart is still where it was when I found out I was pregnant with Sibs; she is my last and I’m going to enjoy every moment of her babyhood while cheering her on to the sister room.

But there is still a tiny part of me that is holding open a tiny door, maybe even a tinier window that God will say, “hey, there is still one more I want you to love”, and I will eagerly say, “okay!”

I still can’t bring myself to give away the baby clothes.  But I am ready to reclaim my body back after seven years of devotion to three little ones I love more than life. My heart squeezes in a tangible, sad longing when I see a friend holding a freshly capped and swaddled baby in the hospital.  But I also know that sadness and longing may always exist, even if we do have another one someday.  I feel a little sad for Bea that she will be the true “middle child” and that she and Sibs will have a three year age gap.  But is that a justifiable reason for adding one more?  Seeing how much each girl has to sacrifice right now to accommodate a baby, a preschooler, and an elementary student, makes me want to move onward to the future and not hit this reset button again in 2-3 years.   But will I always feel like someone is missing from our family?

So that’s a little piece of my heart right now, friends.  I don’t really know how people come to make these decisions, though I’ve quizzed them mercilessly.  It seems a lot of my friends just seem to know when they are “done”.  I keep waiting for that definitive sign and yet it keeps eluding me.  But there is something pressing on me to know, to decide, to stop wondering, because it does affect my parenting and my relationships right now.

Just one of the little things keeping me up at night

(the other being Sibs)


3 Comments on Three, then four

  1. Becca Pietrini
    November 22, 2016 at 9:44 pm (1 year ago)

    I hear ya sista. I relate to everything you are saying!!

  2. Becca Pietrini
    November 24, 2016 at 1:53 am (1 year ago)

    Oh wait, except for loving the whole baby stage thing :/

      November 24, 2016 at 2:17 am (1 year ago)

      Well that’s why we need to enact our surrogate/me with baby/you raise toddler plan 😜


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