I’ve been in a little bit of a slump lately.  Being a self-described psychoanalyst, I have spent some time mulling it over, trying to root it out.

And I’ve “narrowed” it down to this list:

-post spring break/easter blues and the press to the end of the year madness:  Coming off of the holidays are always hard, but I never seem to remember that until the night before the routine starts back up.  After getting to spend so much time as a family unit, it is so hard to think about separating to go back to reality.

-sewing: usually one of my favorite pastimes that brings me a touch of joy in the afternoons,but lately I’ve had more “flops” than successes as I try to learn my new machine.  Unfortunately, the machine only comes in for the FINAL stages of construction, so an outfit may be near perfect and then ruined on the last draw.  Heartbreaking and discouraging.

-sleep: never enough, per usual, but always important to note how it throws so many other things off-balance

-emotions: my sister and BIL are just about to have their baby!!  I am SO excited, both for them, and also for our family as a whole.  We are about to grow again by another life and I get to experience being a hands on aunt.  I can’t wait!  At the same time, the timing of her pregnancy is eerily similar to Sibby’s (she’s due on the same day I was, one year later).  Watching them enter these final weeks, while also getting emotional about the upcoming first birthday for Sibby (always a hard one for me!), compounded with knowing that we have closed that chapter of our story, has stirred up a whole bunch of stuff.  It’s good for me to work through it though, and I’m honestly happy that feeling these small doses of sadness are bookended by immense JOY for them.

Thinking back to just about this time last year was when everything….well…exploded.  I was lamenting on Instagram last night how it feels so good to be on the other side of all of that madness, BUT, oddly enough the growing pains aren’t over quite yet (I mean, of course that sounds obvious, but doesn’t immediately come to mind when I’m feeling a little blue).  We are still connecting to our new life here and that will take a while to feel like home again.  Until then, there will be little tinges of sadness as I think about relationships, our church, and, oddly enough the stages of life we left behind.  I do so miss having all of my little ones home with me under one roof, all day everyday.  When I think back to living in Upland and Noblesville, those warm, fuzzy feelings will always be most prevalent.

I hope and I KNOW these moments of heart-squeezing sadness will turn into warm, fuzzy feelings too, eventually, but it feels like I have to spend a while here first, before I can move on to the next chapter.  It is nice to move forward confidently when you’re ready to no longer linger in the past.

-lack of time: I feel like I divvy myself out each morning but then everyone keeps coming back for seconds and before I have finished giving out seconds, multiple people/things are coming back for thirds and it seems like my firsts and seconds weren’t satisfactory enough because they just want thirds and fourths.  Even though I repeat the phrase ‘”I am doing my best” both aloud, and just mentally to myself, it seems like I am falling short in the attendance of at least one human in my life on a daily basis, or the housework, or to being social, or to myself.

This is mainly due to two things: 1) Sibby’s age (being so young and also mobile she requires so much attention, OF COURSE.  This will pass soon, but is a very involved stage for now.  Also, I KNOW I felt this way with the other two at this age,so that helps, somewhat.) 2) the school calendar .  Why have I still not adjusted to this yet?  I don’t know.  I’ve felt instead I’ve spent the whole year working against it.  Every single morning, I wake up, not knowing or remembering when Sibby will need to take a nap (and do I need to wake her up now to keep her on that schedule?). School pickup really messes up my afternoon think time because it falls right smack in the middle of rest time and really the afternoon.  Not having those forty minutes, for some reason, often throws off my whole plan for anything I want to get done by myself.

Oh well, no matter.  Summer is around the corner and hopefully I will have a new handle on things by August (which by then, Sibby will probably have dropped one of her naps, which means I will have to figure out something NEW).

That being said, I’ve been prone to daydreaming lately, as an escape to the above.  Coming up with a summer bucket list and a loose schedule for the days has been a nice diversion.  Being in a new city AND state is really exciting because it affords us what could feel like an extended stay-cation as we hunt some new things to do and try.

If you’ve made it this far through my lamentations, I appreciate you.  These posts aren’t the most fun to write, but I find them both helpful for processing my current feelings and also as a nice reflection when the tides have turned.  I also write 90% of this with the hope that one day my girls will find some comfort in their early days of motherhood or life changes.  And the other 10% hopes that perhaps you will too.

-smk

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