Sometimes, every once in a great while, when I’m up before the rest of the house, I have this thought:  What would I do if I had the entire day to myself?  I am responsibility-free.  The day is mine to follow any whim I may have.  I fantasize about the errands I would run, the projects I would create, the friends I would meet for sushi at the posh restaurant in the city, the book I would finish, the corners of the house I would clean, the lengthy run and the long swim and the reflective bath and the indulgent nap I would take.

And then MG cries and I wake up from my little reverie.  Because that’s not my life anymore. I am eternally tied to the care of a little creature who is completely dependent on me.

And that is what I would say is the hardest thing about being a Mama.

Sure, Daddy (+others) can (and mercifully do) give me days off.  And don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful.  But I still have to leave a schedule, some nourishment, and a part of my heart behind.  And because of that, I don’t ever truly escape.  I still may have to field a few texts, parent from afar, and quell the worry about my baby being in someone else’s (no matter how capable) care.

In total, I’ve spent about a dozen nights away from baby in the first year alone.  But the closest scenario that I’ve experienced {since November of 2010} to being baby-free was when we went to Mexico last July for our five-year-anniversary.  MG (happily) stayed behind with Granny and Gramps.  It was a w o n d e r f u l vacation with exactly the rest and relaxation we needed.  But it didn’t come without its hardships.  We were in a foreign country.  I couldn’t get picture texts or call and check in whenever I wanted.  Every night at 7pm we rushed back to the room and I would literally run to the ringing phone because it was our daily check-in from home.  I missed the heck out of her.  And so even when I “escaped” her, I never truly could “escape” her.  This is terrifically hard.

Other terrifically hard things?  Sleepless nights.  But you know what?  I expected those and mentally prepared myself for them.  Plus, I was in New-Baby-Bliss.  And as difficult as it is to believe, not even a year later…they are becoming harder and harder to remember.  Right now, they’re just a little blip on the year-one radar.

Breastfeeding and the isolation you feel when you realize that it’s all on you.  But you only have (maybe) a year of it and the toll of it becomes easier with each passing week.  Besides, there are so many amazing benefits to it that I felt constantly affirmed for each day that I continued.

There are many obstacles to overcome (especially) in the first year of parenthood.  But once you become a parent, you are always and forever one.  I highly valued and worked hard for my independence.  And now I’ve traded all of that in.  I’ll never be able to live carefree and independent ever again.

But you know what I can’t get past in my little daydream?  That if I did have the entire day to myself, you know how I would probably spend it?  Wishing I had a little one to buy food and cook for, dreaming about a daughter to sew clothes and make headbands for, realizing that I was missing out on MOPs and playdates and meeting new mommy friends, fantasizing about filling my home with board books rather than dystopian novels, desiring a house that was strewn with baby toys rather than picked up and clean, coveting a baby belly over a toned one, and wishing I was spending my day caring for one of my own.

So while this parenting thing is (admittedly a little claustrophobic-ally) for life…I really can’t think of any other way I would rather spend my day than being a Mama to this Little Mama:

(she is pretty cute, don’t ya think??)

Thank you, LORD, for seeing me through the hard times and the easy times and for forever joining me with  a little creature of my own.

2 Comments on Surviving Mamaland: The Hardest Thing

  1. Kasie
    April 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm (6 years ago)

    Beautifully written:)


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