I wrote this about 7 weeks ago.  I wanted to remember how hard the days were and how bad I truly felt.  I know some of you can sympathize with me.  It seems to be the luck of the draw whether you have an awful first trimester or a smooth and easy one.  Thankfully, even though the sickness is not completely behind me, I do not feel this way anymore…at all!  I am having more and more dreams about Mayby and spend a good portion of my day just daydreaming about him/her.  Sometimes when I’m having a bad moment…whether pregnancy related or not, I think about my little turnip (this week) just along for the ride.  Right now I just love the thought of carrying this little one around with me wherever I go.  The thought always puts a smile on my face.

I am 9 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I hate to say it, but I wake up dreading each day.

Each day is a constant battle of nausea and fatigue….with nausea almost always winning…meaning rest times are few and far between.
The only thing that tempers the urge to vomit is eating.  And while eating is usually a savored luxury, it has become another source of dread. Eating when full, eating when nothing sounds appetizing, figuring out the one thing that will go down well today.
On top of that, I feel like I’ve been a poor wife, mother, and friend these past 31 (yes, I am counting) days that I’ve felt like I’ve had the flu.
And still…everything is expanding, my self-esteem is at an all time low, my emotions are all over the map.
Pregnancy is a lovely thing, right?
And that’s the thing that bugs me.
I feel totally unlike my normal self and that has put me into a semi-depression.
 I hate it.  Because I don’t remember feeling this way with MG.  I do remember being sick with her during the first tri, but not this intense and not for as long.  Plus, I wasn’t chasing around a toddler all day and trying to stick to my normal routine as much as possible.  (and I wasn’t on progesterone supplements which I totally think exaggerates everything I’m feeling).
It has consumed many of my daily prayers.
Right alongside of, LORD, please keep this baby healthy and strong. Is, LORD, help me to get excited about this pregnancy.
We prayed for this pregnancy, afterall, for months.  We deeply desired this baby and fought long and hard for this pregnancy.  And now all I can think about is how I’m so ready to be done.  I hate those thoughts because I know so many women who would kill to trade places with me.
But last night.
Last night there was a break-through.
After praying about it, as usual, as I was drifting off, I dreamt about our Mayby.
And I distinctly remember waking up in the middle of the night with flutters in my heart (not my stomach this time—phew!) thinking about him/her.
And I knew instantly the feelings that were behind it.  The same feelings I had towards MG.  The love, the desire, the pure rush of emotions surrounding another baby.
And that was enough to last.  To last me until the end of this dreaded sickness.  I know then that I will be out of this funk and will sit and dream about this baby just like it is the first time all over again.  Thank you, LORD.

And that is enough to tide me over until the next 2.5 weeks.

And now, the worst is behind me, may the best be yet to come!

 

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